Newton's Cradle

Patricia, my Virtual Hamster of Love and Destruction

Thursday, December 31, 2009

A Good Deed On New Year's Eve

I don't know where you are, but it's New Year's Eve here... sort of.

It's 20 to 1 in the morning, but that's New Year's Eve enough for me!

Anyway, my good deed was to help a poor depressed girl, recognise her full potential.

As I was surfing the internet, looking for cheap mercenaries to aid me in my co'up, I came across this poor girl.

Staring into the cold, unforgiving eyes, I felt my soul enshrouded in darkness, and an unstoppable urge to write angry poetry about how my parents hate me.

Luckily my will power won out.

I decided this girl needed a makeover, and with the help of paint and a lot of patience, I turned her from a depressed sociopath, into...

An obviously happy, chipper prostitute!

Now, one may wonder what made me pick this subject to blog about. A very simple reason. A Fringe as large as that, can cause blindess. After a very long arguement with F.I.C.K.L.E. (see first post for link) about dyeing hair purple or orange, we ending up on fringes. And I figured that...

How would you shower with that fringe? The shampoo would slowly trickle down towards the eyes until...

Fast forward 20 years and you're either blind, or covered in your own filth due to fear of showering.

Fringes are fatal.

At least when I'm Supreme Overlord, there will be a limit on the amount of hair you can have.

The rest must be used to feed the hungry orphans I intend to send to work in the mines.

Otherwise there won't be enough diamonds to furnish my Dream-Castle in the Sky.

So anyway, do you think (I named Fringe-girl Vicky) Vicky looks better as a sociopath or prostitute?


Saturday, December 26, 2009

A Post That Isn't About Christmas

Everyone has been posting about Christmas.

Even me, as my past three posts had Christmas in the title.

So does this one, but that doesn't count.

Lets refresh ourselves and get past Christmas, as cruel and bitter as it may seem, and focus on the next big holiday, New Years!

I understand today was Stephen's Day, and that should hold a special place in my heart, but frankly, its about time I had a holiday named after myself.

Anyways, with everyone posting left right and centre about Christmas, I figured I'd post about New Year. Not the most creative way to be different, but I'm sleepy, full of chocolate and turkey, and left my brain, along with the remote, on the other side of the room.

I think today is Saturday, but the newspapers are speaking in terms of Eves, Days and Stephens, so I can't be sure. Anyway, it's not like I can go anywhere with the roads covered in ice. Soon I may develop cabin fever, and you may see about my festive exploits on the news.

This post was a perfect example of how not to do it. I should of thought before writing. But its the day after Christmas, and those of you who aren't face down outside a bar know what I'm feeling right now. Lazy, sleepy, and lethargic. So, forgive my festively confusing ramblings, and go and sleep.

Or watch It's a Wonderful Life

Whichever is easier.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Wishing Everyone a Merry Christmas

Sort of, it's more to help my laziness

This entry isn't to talk about me, for once. Thats a difficult concept to grasp, so bear with me :(

After deciding to tear myself away from daytime television, chocolate and the warmth of the fire, I thought I should wish everyone a Merry Christmas here. But there's so many people with so many blogs, and so little time before my patience runs out and I return to the fire to curl up. Then the guilt will set in and I'll run back to the computer, and take another stab at the blog before becoming cold and returning to the fire.

Sort of like an epileptic cat.

So, to Hannah Miet, Brenda, LoveLittleRed, miss carly, christina, HalfCrazy, Ciaran, and Anonymous, I wish you all a Merry Christmas!

For those who were too selfish to comment, you know who you are :P

I wish everyone out there on Blogger, and the world, a very Merry Christmas, and a very Happy New Year.

Now that that kindess is out of the way, I can go back to standing awkwardly in the kitchen, smelling the turkey in the hopes someone will feed me.

I'm not a dog.

I swear.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Shell Shocked... on Christmas

I am shocked.

I'm more than shocked.

I'm that fuzzy feeling you get inside when you buy something really expensive, spending all your money on it, and despite the fact your broke, still being happy because of what you bought.

Sort of like if was on cocaine, only without the pain in my nose.

I would just like to thank everyone who followed and commented, I never expected that anyone would actually read this thing! But now I have this huge crushing pressure to deliver, so I'd like to make some New Year's Resolutions, without sounding too chuffed with myself. Which I am anyway.

1. I promise to blog every day over the holidays, and at least once a week once... school... starts again. Icky exams :(

2. I promise to keep my blog interesting, and funny, based on your comments.

3. I do read you're comments! They make me happy and warm in my heart!

4. All who comment will be spared when I implement my new world order.

I'd also like to apologize for lack of a real topic on this post! I could lie and say I don't have an interesting life, but everyone here knows thats not true.

The truth is I'm just blown away by the feedback! So, after promising to read all comments, help me out! What would YOU like to hear my blog about? What parts do you love? What do you hate?

Maybe focus more on the love part. Administer hate in small doses.

Until tomorrow! While you wait you can stitch my face onto flags or something.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Withholding Christmas Presents

It's that time of year again. Putting up the (real) tree, using the good decorations, the good cutlery, which is entirely pointless because the lights will be down so low due to the overdose of candles, and you won't see any of it. Even the serial rapist hiding in the shadows over there can't distinguish you from some sort of overly bloated amorphous gummy bear.

But I digress! The most important thing this year is not darkened rooms with colourful lights! Its not family or friends or love! Its the presents and gifts that they bear. Even Jesus himself got Gold, Frankincense & Myrrh from three elderly men in exchange for letting them watch him sleep.

But sadly, over time, this noble practise of self promotion through kindness has been polluted. How you may ask?

People see fit to wait until Christmas Day to start enjoying their presents.

This might be ok in a household where a child still believes in the Master of breaking and entering ie: Santa Claus. But in a home where you know what your getting for Christmas, where your present is and depending on the size of your family, you were probably with them when they purchased it for you.

So why wait until Christmas Day?

My guess is that some people just enjoy the "magic" of the day, or some people believe that the "Sanctity of Christmas" must be preserved. I didn't realise the anniversary of our saviours birth was preserved by self inflicted torture, but perhaps I missed a meeting.

If you are a reader who celebrates Christmas, look over at your Christmas tree and the presents underneath. If you don't celebrate the holiday, I have, in my infinite kindess, provided a picture for the next exercise. But before that, isn't this the best Christmas tree EVER?

Despite the fact that this undermines the next few paragraphs, I could live without a present if I had that thing in my living room.
I think I'm in love O.o


Focus on that present. Doesn't it look so good? Don't you want to open it? Just a peak? Come on....

Why should you have to wait for Christmas? Why?
Your present is waiting.


You have to wait until Christmas Day I'm afraid my dear readers, because of tradition. Grace McGarvie, whoever that is, once said "Tradition is an explanation for acting without thinking"

Whoever this Grace was, she was a smart girl. I've a feeling things worked out well for her. However due to a lack of a Wikipedia page, I have come to the conclusion she failed in her acting career, turned to drugs and eventually ended up face down in a gutter on Broadway.

Can't win 'em all :/

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

My Novel Failed. Now I'm Here.

My life is over. My blog is beginning.

I'm sitting by my computer. My schizophrenic, sometimes loving, mostly bitter friend
---> <---
is speaking with me over Skype. It's an evening like any other, until one fatal decision. I set my sights on world domination.
Its not like it sounds. Really we were just going to set up Twitter accounts. But in my mind's eye I saw the future, how my Tweets would become immensely popular, how incredibly famous I would become, eventually being appointed leader of the UN. Fast forward three years and we have a beautiful, grey, dystopic landscape and a lot of irate people wearing mandatory luminescent pink jumpsuits.

Obviously this plan failed. A bit like the aforementioned novel, but that's for a different post.

And its not anyone's fault, except for the horribly evil Twitter sign-up page.

It threw me. How do I want to be remembered? How do I want people to see me? How do I sum that up that up in 16 characters?

The tiny Twitter bird was laughing at me. I could tell.

Just staring into those cold, unloving eyes gave me the shivers.

But life goes on and I try to think of a way to fit my personality into that tiny box. After debating whether or not Twitter would suit, we decided its posting space wasn't big enough. If you're going to bare all to randomers on the internet, you at least need enough space to type out every little detail. Or a very high definition webcam and a very small pair of panties.

Apart from prostitution, this was the answer,. A blog! A place to type my thoughts and opinions. To rant about whatever takes my fancy. So I welcome you to the inner workings of my mind. Would you like a slice of the C.A.K.E.?

I just realised how corny that sounded :/

Apologizing for the lack of pictures, (still getting used to this), and sending my love to all who comment,
You're faithful Blogger in the Sky, Stephen